Mémoire
by wrymon
Summary: We’d spoken casually that cloudy day. I remember the rain gave that man an even gloomier luster. His large eyes were deep, lost in thought as always. Something was different about them though ... !One Shot. Raito's POV. !CONTAINS SPOILERS!


One shot. Raito POV.** Contains Spoilers!  
I do not own Death Note.**

**Mémoire**

"_What are you doing, Ryuzaki?"_

"_**Nothing in particular-- it's just the bells..."**_

"_Bells?"_

"_**Yes. The bells are really loud today."**_

"_... I don't hear anything."_

"_**Really? The conditions are favorable today, so you can't help but hear them. It's a church. Maybe a wedding? Or ..."**_

"_What are you talking about, Ryuzaki? Don't be saying such useless things. Let's go back."_

We'd spoken casually that cloudy day. I remember the rain gave that man an even gloomier luster. His large eyes were deep, lost in thought as always. Something was different about them though, despite their calculating and cunning ... there was sadness. He seemed preoccupied by a sound I couldn't hear, taken over by a fear. He suspected something ... He knew ... and it annoyed me.

"_**But, you're the same as me."**_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_**Since you were born have you ever told anyone the truth, even once?"**_

Certain parts of our conversation struck me harder than others, and at the time I didn't understand what it was that man's voice and words tugged on. Even the look he gave me caused a pang of something ... something I didn't understand. Something I'd never felt before rise up and over take me. I would find myself having to think harder to answer his questions, and barely capable of keeping my voice steady. Maybe it was that he knew ... maybe that was what bothered me the most ...

"_**I'm sad ..."**_

"_Hmm?"_

"_**You'll understand soon ..."**_

His actions then forced me to swallow hard, and behind that mask of cunning ... behind those plans and plots I'd been making all that time. I understood his words. And to be honest ... I was sad as well. He wouldn't know, and I wouldn't allow myself to know. I **would** rid myself of this menace ... But ... My heart ... ached. I didn't realize it at the time, but I dried his hair out of compassion ... out of worry. Then there was something else behind that action ... something else behind my words after that ... But then I wouldn't know until it was too late ... I wouldn't allow myself to know until it was too late ...

His talk with the Task Force after that was normal ... at least it was to their ears. He was calm. He was strange ... but not to me. I knew what they didn't. I knew he knew who I was, he had all along. Maybe that's why when it happened ... my heart ached again. His voice changed, worry filled his large eyes at the fall of Watari. No one else could see it ... but I could. His sadness then hurt me more than all the fires of Hell. My heart ached ... but I was calm ... and that other side ... it was laughing. The clatter of a spoon snapped me, my body moved taking over a moment from that entity ... that other me. I dove, reaching for that man. I wanted to catch him, to scream for it to stop ... I wanted to keep him.

I remained for a few seconds, heart ripping. I could only stare. No words could leave my mouth at those terrified large eyes looking back at me. I flinched mentally at his grasping hand upon my shoulder. Then it happened ... I was forced away into my corner of darkness with my breaking heart. That other side took over ... and despite my cries I witnessed my face smirk. I heard laughter echo. His look then made me cower, made me attack the bars. I wanted to scream ... his eyes burned. In that instant I saw all the guilt of lacking evidence, and behind that I witnessed something I'd never seen before in that man's eyes ... **heart break**. He was battling against his dying body in my arms.

He wanted to remain and prove to the world he wasn't losing his edge, that He'd solved this 'Kira' case as soon as it'd began. That part of him showed something else, a longing to stay. Something his gripping hands told me despite his closing eyes. He didn't want to leave me. He was a sore loser. I couldn't stand it. I forced through, screaming. I knew I was too late ... but ... His eyes closed then.

"_Ryuzaki? ... Ryuzaki! What's wrong!"_

I knew what was wrong. Guilt filled the void of my heart. I wanted to cry out, to bury my head in that man's chest and bring him back. Instead I turned, blaming Rem. I cried out. We were next to die.

The news of L's death wasn't something unknown to me. My father had tried to put it softly for us all. I hadn't heard him. I'd been too busy plotting, cowering in that corner from that insane laughter screaming in my head. Kira was winning ... my sanity was slipping away. I felt myself dying slowly.

Maybe that's why I remained at the grave that day. No. Kira remained there. I had watched the burial from a far, dark place. I had heard no words. My eyes had been fixed on the peaceful face of that man. I kept imagining he was asleep, even after they'd began to lower him into the ground. Then I stayed on, waiting until I was alone. I wanted to be alone. I found myself cowering at the taunts that murder spat at L's grave. I waited until he was finished ... I didn't have the strength to battle him.

Finally that side seemed to realize something ... or maybe I made him realize it. He admitted it would be boring. In that instant I felt him retreat for a bit, and I found myself kneeling on that man's grave. My back remained turned to Ryuk ... and I wept to myself. I realized something on that grave. Something I had desperately been trying to hide from myself ... No ... my other self had hidden it.

**I loved that man that lay buried there.**  
_And his blood was on my hands._

That was the day I lost my sanity ... I lost myself. Raito Yagami died on the grave of L that day.

**We both lost to a murderer.**


End file.
